*FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE, April 1 2012*
OCCUPY BOSTON REALIZES MISSION MISGUIDED, DISSOLVES
In an uncharacteristically early morning meeting, the General Assembly of Occupy Boston voted to dissolve itself today, citing an introspective change of heart regarding criminal banking cartels, moneyed interests in politics, and the general lack of democracy both locally and around the world.
“Three cheers for the current system!” cried John Perez, 26, smelling freshly showered on the way to his new job as an analyst for Citibank. “So what if 93% of the revenue generated by the so-called recovery went to 1% of the people? It’s time for me to get mine!”
Ariel Plattus concurred, “I used to think that rewarding bankers with mountains of taxpayer dollars for destroying our economy might not make the most sense.” Plattus lowered her voice conspiratorially, “In fact, when I got involved with Occupy, I thought those corporations should be broken up and their executives thrown in jail. But then Tim Geithner made me realize that tax-dodging multinationals are part of America’s competitive advantage over other countries! We’re really lucky to have an elite cadre of greedy, unaccountable insiders robbing our grandchildren blind. Thank goodness none of them have been prosecuted!”
Nearby, Rene Ford whistled a happy tune while straightening a new tie. “I used to be convinced that workers’ self-management was the only way towards building a sustainable, just economy,” Ford chirped, “but watching a private equity titan make a cool two-hundred million by destroying jobs and then clinch the Republican presidential nomination by piloting a raft of lies down a thick river of Wall Street cash — well, it really put things in perspective.” Ford stopped to hi-five Farhad Gradowski, who had his own reasons for voting for the dissolution. “I just realized that I hate helping people,” he said.
After the assembly, Katie Cheeno could be seen laying out a veritable Wal-Mart’s worth of t-shirts, hats, and pins emblazoned with OBAMA 2012 on the lawn of Dewey Square. “The truth is that the President has delivered completely,” she said softly. “He understands what the people need, and that’s why he nominated another multi-millionaire Republican to the Federal Reserve after reappointing Ben Bernanke as a reward for his sustained refusal to do anything about unemployment;” and here, Cheeno paused, her voice growing husky as she gazed into the sun glinting off the Fed, “I just wish Barney Frank were running for re-election. He’s taught me so much about the power of elected officials to enforce the rule of law! And working with City Life/Vida Urbana, I have seen first-hand just how effective voting for rich people can be in stopping rampant, illegal foreclosures.”
Watching the last of the freshly-scrubbed former occupiers make their way towards the subway, Rachel Ebrahimi looked on with approval. “Yup, we really learned something here. Namely that mutual aid, solidarity, and direct action are no substitute for pretending like a hopelessly corrupt, traveling media circus represents the interests of the people.” Setting fire to the previously-cherished plans for a local cooperative enterprise, Dan Oshinsky added, “After all, corporate leviathans are people, too.” Ebrahimi nodded, “Absolutely! God, I wish November was here already.”